Many people are dissatisfied with their body – and this can affect sexual relationships. A healthy body image can be even more difficult for people with a spinal cord injury (SCI)
Many people have a difficult relationship with their body and their body image – how they feel about their body and within it. In a research study, 86,9 percent of women reported dissatisfaction with their weight or shape, but we know that men struggle too – about not being skinny enough or good enough when compared to media images. A negative body image lowers mood and self-esteem, and can profoundly affect intimate sexual relationships.
Your relationship with your body can be even more difficult with a SCI, a physical illness or a disability. Something is lost from that relationship, either through gradual deterioration or the sudden shock of an injury. This can be like a major loss, grieving for your old body in different stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
You might be negotiating with your body, willing it to work; you might feel angry and frustrated, betrayed by it, or even alienated and cut off from it. With all this emotion, how do you learn to love, accept or even negotiate a ceasefire with your body?
Allow yourself to feel
Just like bereavement, grieving for loss in your body is not a straightforward process. There are ups and downs, and it is different for everyone. You may re-live the same stages over again. For example, you may find yourself thinking, “I can’t believe this happened to me” even years after your injury. Start by allowing yourself to feel whatever emotions you have, but try not to get stuck. If you remain rooted in anger or sadness, you might need support from family, friends or a psychologist to move through it.
Build a relationship with your body
You are getting to know a new body. What it can do and feel? What feels good and what is painful? Try to be open and put judgement and criticism aside. Be curious and willing to explore. You don’t need the perfect body to have fulfilling sexual experiences, but you do need some acceptance of your body before you can share it intimately with a partner.
Change the way you speak to your body
What do you say to and about your body? If you said, “I hate you” or “You’re useless” to a friend, you would probably damage your relationship. The same applies to your body. Introduce a little empathy and kindness. Say, “Thank you for trying” or “I understand you’re struggling”.
Self-care
Be kinder towards your body, even if you have to fake the feelings at first. Treat it gently; care for it as best as you can. Start with small acts of self-care; resting, exercising or putting lotion on your hands.
Reflecting on my own journey, at times I felt such disappointment with my body, I could not look at myself in the mirror. A few years later, it’s still tough, but I am not always at war with my body, and can even utter some words of kindness and appreciation. We all need to start this journey by committing to and taking one step towards a better relationship with our bodies.
A friend told me this analogy: if you take a crisp new R100 bill, crumple it and throw it on the floor, has it lost its value or is it still worth R100? Your body may have been crumpled, but your value remains exactly the same.
Dr Estie Janse van Rensburg is the founder and MD of Charis Psychological Services. She has a Masters Degree in Counselling Psychology (University of Free State, SA) and a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology (University of Bangor, UK). After being diagnosed with a spinal cord tumour, she combined her 15 years of clinical experience as a psychologist with her own journey as a patient, and developed a practice that specialises in providing psychological services to individuals with physical health challenges. Column courtesy of Charis Psychological Services.
