Partners of people who sustain a SCI are deeply affected. Danie Breedt provides some insights
When a partner experiences a spinal cord injury (SCI), it doesn’t mean that your relationship is over even if your physical, emotional, intimate, and parenting roles may change to accommodate to your partner’s capabilities. Everything may seem different. It has a definite impact and it can be helpful to know that you’re not alone in your experience. A SCI happens to the partners of those with it as well. It’s different for every couple. Researchers have described the experience in three phases.
First is the negative impact on the partner’s life because of the injury. This is an uncertain waiting period with feelings of powerlessness as you watch your partner from the side-lines with your own needs becoming secondary. Partners often have the greatest need for support at this time.
Then comes a time of feeling isolated or separated from your partner. There is a long period of separation while you manage the overwhelming tasks of a household or family during a partner’s rehabilitation and discharge process. The third phase is the struggle to re-establish a “new normal” as a couple. This phase often includes grief and loss, being overwhelmed, exhausted, feeling inadequate, vulnerability and feeling depressed. Building a relationship is a two-way street. Your partner’s SCI is part of your sexual health and should be included in your decisions, thoughts, and feelings. Try to build trust with each other and have open dialogues about your relationship.
From the research, there are several aspects that you can focus on to help navigate this difficult time. A helpful place to start is by understanding their injury. This can be done through conversations and by reading up. The better you understand the injury, the easier it will be to find ways to overcome barriers in your relationship. A SCI involves many complications that can bring down your partner’s confidence and self-esteem. It can cause feelings of shame or guilt over how their injury has changed (or will change) your sexual relationship.
Building trust can include being honest about your feelings and non-judgemental as well as present with your partner wherever they are at. Make time outside of the bedroom to talk about your sex life together. If you withdraw sexually because of body image, fear of erection problems, or fear of not satisfying your partner, they may worry that you are no longer interested. In some cases, you may find that your partner is less concerned about intercourse and more interested in foreplay and other forms of sexual satisfaction. Discuss the strong and weak points of the whole relationship, not just the sexual relationship.
Adopt a view of collaborative problem solving as opposed to viewing the person with the injury as the problem. Approaching intimacy and other aspects of sexual health with SCI as an exploration can help prevent both partners from comparing it to past experiences; thus allowing it to be what it is for the two of you. It might be helpful to find a community where you can engage with others who have been through similar experiences such as online forums or support groups.
Whichever route you choose, being proactive in addressing relationship difficulties is much more likely to lead to long term satisfaction.
