Frustration and guilt are normal, common and important signals. When approached correctly, these can make you a better caregiver
Non-professional caregivers such as spouses, family members or close friends take on the caregiver role out of necessity and compassion. Usually when full-time caregivers cannot be afforded or the family does not want to sacrifice personal privacy by contracting a live-in stranger.
This voluntary commitment is therefore a choice. Such a choice, however, comes with baggage that underlies the compassion and financial constraints that drove the initial decision to serve as caregiver.
Initially, the associated baggage is contained. As the stresses and strains of long hours, closely intimate care requirements, and the loss of personal time start to take its toll, the baggage start to surface.
Your physical inability to do what is required is frustrating and scary. The need to periodically call on friends and neighbours to help when you become truly stuck is embarrassing.
The heartache of daily seeing your loved one reduced to a shell of what they once were is emotionally draining. The pent-up resentment of having to live with the situation at the expense of your me-time starts to bubble over.
In times of deep distress, anxiety and depression, you wish your loved one would just die so that all of this would go away and you can live your life again… All of this culminates in guilt, “I am not this person, how could I be so heartless and callous?”.
When you meet with your support group of other caregivers, the others seem to cope better than you so you also put up a brave front, but inside of you the guilt is gnawing away.
Be assured, you are not alone in this. There are literally tens of thousands people across the globe who are in similar positions, who share your agony and guilt. As proof, visit the website www.caregiver.com, and check out the large array of support articles on this and related topics. I have selected a batch of articles from the website as resource material on the management of caregiver guilt.
Finding acceptance
In “Dealing with caregiver guilt”, Malika Brown lists a number of ways to deal with guilt. Three stand out to me:
- “Know that you have made the best decision possible for you and your loved one”. You explored your options and, although it is exceptionally tough, it is what it is. If circumstances change, rethink your new situation and make a new best decision.
- “Accept that you are human and that you have flaws”. We all make mistakes. We have different strengths and weaknesses. Learn from your mistakes, build on your strengths and don’t mope about your weaknesses, find ways to deal with it.
- “Deal with unresolved issues or accept them for what they are”. Work through issues that bother you with your loved one and with other relevant people. If a workable solution can be found, great. If not, accept it for what it is and work around the issue.
Guilt as a guide
Dr Vicky Rackner, in her article “Eight tips to managing caregiver guilt”, explains: “For caregivers, painful feelings – such as guilt, sadness and anger – are like any other pain. It’s your body’s way of saying, ‘Pay attention’. Just as the pain of a burned finger pulls your hand from the stove, so too guilt guides your actions and optimises your health.”
If guilt is making you feel miserable, Dr Rackner advises to look into yourself and recognise the guilt for what it is. Unrecognised guilt can eat into your soul. Once it is recognised and the source identified, you have a new perspective to work with.
If you need “me”-time, find someone to stand in for you and take time out for yourself. If you feel your behaviour is in conflict with your values, change your behaviour. Reinvent yourself to become the “ideal you” by balancing your needs with your commitment to your loved one.
She further advises that you should be compassionate with yourself. If you are feeling down, recognise it, but don’t let it control your actions. She concludes: “Understand that you will be a more effective caregiver when you care for [yourself] first.
“Loved ones neither want nor expect selfless servants. As a caregiver, when you care for yourself, you increase and improve your own caring. Yes, guilt is part of caregiving, but this guilt can help you become the caregiver you and your loved one want you to be.”
Remember the airplane safety speeches before take-off, “Place the oxygen mask on your own face before helping others”.
Count on your community
Carolyn Schultz takes a more proactive pragmatic approach in her article: “Lessen The Squeeze: Caregiver Coping Skills”. She notes how planning ahead can help lessen the chances of guilt setting in. Have an open, honest discussion with your loved one and those who support your commitment to care; family and friends.
Work out a system that will cover your care responsibilities and your normal activities of daily life from work and home to social and me-time. This will help you to take control of your caregiving commitments and your “normal” life.
(I find that a “year-plan” tick-list that lists daily, weekly and monthly routines helps to prevent things falling through the cracks, which means less chance for guilt to set in. Note that such a year plan is a living document that must be updated as needs and routines change.)
To help keep your head above water, know your resources including available time, financial affordability, stand-in support from friends and family, and so on. When planning ahead, do so with due consideration to the availability and constraints of your resources.
Cherish the wins
Recognise and celebrate achievements; your own as well as those of your loved one. Small things make a difference. A pat on the back, a congratulatory card, a special treat or even a celebratory get-together lifts spirits and negates guilt and dejection.
Be aware that the more you give of yourself, the higher you set the bar of the “expected normal”. So set your limits. Never do for your loved one what they can still do for themselves, no matter how difficult.
Frustration is a signal
In her article “Releasing Resentment”, Lisa Hutchinson’s opening paragraph cuts to the chase: “Caregivers love to help people. It is a good feeling to comfort and give aid to someone in need. This support can also take its toll. There is a great responsibility, and at times a burden, that is felt in the caregiver role.”
“It is important to find a way to express and channel the frustration that naturally occurs in helping relationships over time. Resentment is the caregiver’s dirty little secret. There can be a sense of shame and guilt when anger develops.”
We want to be seen in our best, most giving light. To ease your stress, I want to let you know that even the most loving and compassionate caregivers experience frustration and resentment because it is a part of our human experience.”
Lisa explains that venting our anger and frustration is difficult and she proposes a change in mindset. Rather, see your anger and frustration as signals to restore balance to your life. Take a step back from your emotions and look for ways other than venting to release your pent-up emotions.
Over and above taking time out to spoil yourself and making a point to connect with friends, Lisa adds two vital recommendations: Forgive yourself for the anger, frustration and consequent guilt that built up inside of you and take your negative emotions to God (whatever is appropriate for your religious or spiritual beliefs).
The value of no
Deborah Colgan, in her article “When and How to Say No to Caregiving”, admits that saying “No” may seem like a harsh statement to a caregiver who prides herself on being a helpful, kind and loving person. But saying no is not a cop-out. It is setting reasonable limits that you and your loved one agree to in order to make caregiving more sustainable.
Saying no takes into consideration your own (in)abilities and your emotional wellbeing. Healthy emotional boundaries are important in helping you as caregiver distinguish between your own needs and the needs of the person being cared for. Set these boundaries as early as possible. Do not wait for emotions to boil over. Objective boundaries work better than highly emotional ones.
A final word
Don’t see caregiver guilt as a negative. See it as a warning that something is wrong and needs to be dealt with. Examine your feelings and find the source of your guilt. Discuss it openly with your loved one and seek solutions together. Well-managed guilt will bring progress and sustainability to caregiving.
