Pleasure beyond performance

Intimacy after a spinal cord injury can be a lot more enjoyable when focusing on the pleasure rather than performance

Danie Breedt
5 Min Read

Intimacy after a spinal cord injury can be a lot more enjoyable when focusing on the pleasure rather than performance

When it comes to sexuality and spinal cord injuries (SCIs), a significant shift in perspective is crucial. The common focus on physical functioning often overshadows the true essence of a fulfilling sexual experience.

The key to a positive and enjoyable sexual relationship lies in moving beyond the fixation on physical capabilities and embracing the broader spectrum of intimacy, pleasure, and connection.

After a SCI, many individuals and their partners may experience anxiety and uncertainty regarding sexual activity. This is often rooted in concerns about physical performance, such as the ability to achieve erections, orgasm, or engage in penetrative sex.

However, it’s essential to recognise that sexuality is not solely defined by these factors.

One of the most empowering approaches for couples navigating sexuality after a SCI is to shift the focus from performance to pleasure. This involves redefining what sexual activity means and exploring new ways to experience and share pleasure. Here are some strategies to help make this shift:

Open Communication

Honest and open communication is the foundation of a satisfying sexual relationship. Discuss your feelings, desires, and boundaries with your partner. Understanding each other’s needs and concerns fosters a deeper connection and reduces performance-related anxiety.

Exploration and experimentation

Sexuality is a broad and diverse spectrum. Explore different forms of intimacy and pleasure that do not solely rely on genital stimulation.

This could include sensual massages, oral sex, mutual masturbation, or the use of sex toys. Experimenting with these alternatives can open up new avenues of pleasure and satisfaction.

Sensate focus exercises

These exercises, originally developed by Masters and Johnson, emphasise focusing on the sensations of touch and the pleasure of being touched without the pressure to perform.

Sensate Focus is an approach that can help both partners reconnect with their bodies and rediscover the joys of physical intimacy.

Emotional connection

Building a strong emotional connection can enhance the sexual experience. Engage in activities that strengthen your bond, such as spending quality time together, engaging in mutual hobbies, or simply talking and sharing your thoughts and feelings.

Professional guidance

Consulting with a sexologist or psychologist who specialises in sexual health and SCI can provide valuable insights and strategies tailored to your specific situation.

They can help address any psychological barriers and provide practical advice for enhancing your sexual relationship.

The ultimate goal is to make sexual activity a source of joy and fun, rather than a task to be performed. Here are some tips to infuse fun into your intimate moments:

  • Create a relaxing atmosphere. Set the mood with soft lighting, music, and comfortable surroundings. A relaxing environment can reduce stress and enhance the pleasure of the moment.
  • Laugh together. Humour can be a powerful tool in alleviating tension and fostering a positive experience. Don’t be afraid to laugh and enjoy each other’s company.
  • Celebrate small victories. Recognise and celebrate small achievements and moments of pleasure. Every positive experience, no matter how small, contributes to a more fulfilling sexual relationship.
  • Be Present. Focus on the present moment and the sensations you and your partner are experiencing. Mindfulness can enhance the intensity and enjoyment of your intimate moments.

Sexuality after SCI requires a reimagining of what a fulfilling and pleasurable sexual experience is. By moving beyond the narrow focus on physical performance and embracing a broader understanding of intimacy and pleasure, you can discover new depths of connection and enjoyment.

Remember, the essence of a positive sexual experience lies in mutual pleasure, emotional intimacy, and the joy of being with your partner. Let go of performance pressures and focus on the unique pleasures you can give and receive, creating a rich and rewarding sexual relationship.

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Danie Breedt
Psychologist
Danie Breedt is a passionate scholar-practitioner in the field of psychology. He divides his time between training future psychologists, research and clinical practice. Danie works from an integrative interactional approach in therapy dealing with a wide range of emotional difficulties. He is currently working as a psychologist at numerous physical rehabilitation hospitals across Gauteng for Charis Psychological Services where he does supportive counselling as well as sexual education for patients with disabilities. Column courtesy of Charis Psychological Services.
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