A painful experience brought purpose that now helps others feel inspired and motivated
Almost exactly four years since my car accident, I look back and reflect on the course of my journey thus far. It hasn’t been an easy road. As a personal trainer and life motivator, becoming paralysed was one of the greatest challenges, if not the greatest challenge, of my life.
Using my legs was very much a part of my daily life and career. The prospect of an active life was over … or so I thought.
Going back to the day of my accident, I remember recording a video as an inspirational vlogger not knowing that only 40 minutes later I would be in a car accident that would change the course of my life forever.
As a personal trainer, using her legs was very much part of Nerissa’s life and career before her injury.I remember as the crash happened the words “peace be still” came to mind. Everything just happened in slow motion and before I knew it, I was looking up at my then husband as the medics positioned and stabilised me. I lifted my hand and motioned to him to follow me to the ambulance.
I took his hand and said, not sure of the extent of my injury: “Forgive me for everything; every sin that I have ever committed against you, and I forgive you for everything with all my heart.”
Arriving at the hospital, I remember asking a nurse to take my shoes off. I kept asking as many people as I could until, finally, one nurse and a friend of mine said to me: “Nerissa, your shoes have been off all this time.”
She shook my one leg, which I couldn’t feel; looked at me and said, “My baby, you got hurt very bad.”
I clearly remember hearing the doctor tell me that I will never walk again. The broken bones in my back cut through my spinal cord at the T12 vertebra and there was nothing to be done. I felt worried, anxious and cheated of a life I so desperately wanted to live to its fullest. I recall the shock of the news when I heard it. It felt a lot more paralysing than the legs that weren’t moving.
However, I realised that my mental health and well-being will be a vital tool in dealing with my accident. I started regaining my strength. I didn’t allow the state of my physical body to paralyse me mentally. The day that I decided to think “better” about my situation instead of being “bitter”, was the day that I started reclaiming back my power as an individual.
I started to change the way I perceived life, people, situations, and myself. There was a time when I considered myself as not having value; nothing to offer myself, my family and society. I knew that this form of thinking would be detrimental. Something needed to change. I couldn’t change my situation, or the way society thinks and behaves, but I could change the way I perceived things. This was the beginning of my journey to reclaiming my power.
Taking back my power
In the beginning, I found myself worried about everything. How will I get up that flight of stairs? How will I protect my kids in difficult situations? Am I in the way? Do people see me as weak and vulnerable?
This, I believe is something we all, as people with disabilities, go through. I was adamant in getting through this difficult phase. I looked at my wheelchair. It substituted my legs now. So, I decided that instead of worrying all the time, I would teach myself wheelchair independence.
I would do things for myself, speak louder and more confidently from my chair as I believe that my opinion and words counted just as much as those standing with legs.
My confidence in my wheelchair grew day by day. My “worry chair” became less of a worry when I spoke out more; allowing others to understand my situation. I spoke considerately to others with the understanding that those around you have to adapt to your situation too.
Our mind becomes either our greatest weapon for mass destruction or a tool that can help you navigate, reason and strengthen yourself. I wasn’t going to feel sorry for myself and I wasn’t going to ask “why me” anymore. I wasn’t going to say no to social events. I wasn’t going to stay behind.
Warrior chair
I decided from that day onwards that this is a battle. I am a warrior and my chair will be my horse. I was fighting daily battles and winning small victories. These small everyday victories soon add up. I stood for others who were too weak to speak or defend themselves; be it people standing on their own two feet or people with disabilities.
I now look at wheelchair and I don’t see it the way I used to; an inconvenience, something that’s always in the way. With all the battles I’ve faced in my wheelchair, I’ve built a relationship with my chair; acknowledging it for being there for me when my legs failed me.
I started to appreciate what my wheelchair means to me and how I have conquered so much with it. This perception changed the way I looked at my wheelchair from first a “worry-chair”, then as my chariot in battle and now, ultimately, my throne. With less worry and more confidence, my “worry chair” became my warrior chair.
Broken not shattered
Another battle that was to be fought was that of the mind. Daily will you go through challenges, not one the same as the other. Prepare yourself for this. Some days you will feel like giving up. Other days you will feel on top of the world. Feelings and emotions will come and go, let it pass. It will pass. The only pain we feel is the pain that we are unwilling to let go of.
I have fought many battles and there’s still more to come. It’s part of the refining process, I will not lose. I may be bruised and broken after a battle, but I’m not shattered. You can fix what’s broken but not what’s shattered.
Finding purpose admist the pain
I thought about how, over the past two years, I trained people physically. Now, it was the time to train them mentally. It was this moment that I knew my purpose in life was redirected from helping people physically to mentally. I decided to become a motivational speaker. You find your purpose in life amidst your pain. It is the corner-stone of growth.
It is in those dark moments when you realise what others are going through. It qualifies you to fully understand every aspect of their situation. Motivational speaking is a tool I started using to mobilise myself as well as others; more specifically regarding the mental and emotional side of being a person with a disability. It also made me feel as if I was walking even though my legs are paralysed. This is what happens when you discover your purpose in life.
I found that speaking to people about what I had experienced not only helped them, but started healing me. Every single situation in our lives will show up as an opportunity to either refine us or break us down. It also depends on whether we choose to be better or bitter about the situation. These decisions could either cripple us or have us standing tall even though we’re sitting down.
Overcoming frustration, anxiety and fear is important when dealing with any form of disability, it will also help you find your place in this world, because we all have one. Go find your quest and your purpose. Help whomever you can help. Be an inspiration to the world instead of being someone who the world pities.
Love yourself when you’re broken. Love yourself when you don’t feel loved. If you don’t, who will? Love yourself through your vulnerabilities and embarrassments. Love yourself first, because you cannot expect someone else to love you when your personal love-tank is empty. Love and forgive yourself. Love and forgive those around you even when it’s difficult. You are only freeing yourself.
Walking with no legs has nothing to do with me walking physically, but has everything to do with not being paralysed from the inside out. Let go of what no longer serves you. “Stand” your ground even when “standing” individuals are “sitting down”, because they’re not brave enough to do so. Be that brave person. Voice your opinion. Do not be afraid anymore. Chase your purpose. Follow your path and continue walking your journey, even if it means doing it with no legs.
