Boundaries are important to offering children structure and guidance, but consistency with boundaries can be a challenge
Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world. For those of us who have children with disabilities, there are often additional challenges. For many of us parents and caregivers of children with disabilities, we are exhausted and at times can feel overwhelmed.
We may have other children and multiple competing commitments and roles. Along with being a “pharmacist” (giving our children medication), a “nurse” (handling the bowl and bladder routines), and “therapist” (doing physio and suctioning fluids), we are also still a mom, dad, and partner!
Despite the challenges, it is important to teach our children boundaries. We share some tips on implementing boundaries; however, as disability is such an individual experience, offering a “one solution will fix all” is not helpful. The tips are just suggestions. You have the “insider knowledge” of what will work best for your child. You know your child best and should always go with your gut feel.
Temptation to cave
Parenting a child with a disability can be tough and our children do not come with manuals. Sometimes it is just easier to “give in” than dealing with the consequences of massive meltdown. I curse the marketing company that encouraged supermarkets to add a ‘temptation ally’ of sweets at checkouts.
We can also feel isolated and judged so may take the easier option than deal with the consequences of saying no, especially in public. However, we have an important role in shaping our children’s understanding of limits, respect, and self-discipline, which can be done through setting suitable and appropriate boundaries.
Some parents and caregivers let things slip because of our children’s disabilities. We sometimes overcompensate or make excuses for negative behaviour with our children with disabilities, yet do not apply the same exceptions to our other children, for example. This can cause friction and resentment between our children which isn’t healthy.
Basics of boundaries
By giving children suitable boundaries, we are providing structure and guidance that can help them navigate the sometimes difficult, unpredictable and complicated world. If children feel secure and know what will happen next, they feel safe and some of seemingly “behavioural issues” may fall away or lessen in intensity.
For example, if our children know that they won’t get a chocolate every time you go to the shops, and you can consistently say no (and depending on their age and ability, explain why), they will eventually stop asking as no remains no.
However, as a mom of a child with a disability, I know that this is not easy and the temptation just to buy the chocolate and avoid the outburst followed by staring customers is so huge.
I also know that for some parents who have a child with certain disabilities or health conditions that may make understanding concepts difficult and the boundaries that you put in place may need to be adapted or take longer to implement.
There are differing types of boundaries including physical, emotional and behavioural boundaries.
Physical boundaries
These involve teaching your child what is appropriate and inappropriate touch and respecting other people’s personal space. This can be tricky especially when our children may need physical assistance including lifting, transferring, washing and feeding.
In addition, some of our children might not understand what is appropriate so providing simple and clear explanations at their level is important.
Other times, it is up to us as parents to ensure that we set physical boundaries with friends, family members, as well as other support structures like facilitators or carers to keep our children safe as they may be extra vulnerable.
Emotional boundaries
These involve respecting and acknowledging our feelings and emotions. This can include teaching our children how to express their feelings in a suitable and healthy manner, again understanding that these might be different from a child without disabilities.
You might want to use feelings charts or barometers which allow our children who might find verbal communication challenging to point to the feeling they identify with.
For example, understanding that our child might be moving from a green colour or calm state on a feelings barometer to an orange can help them see what calming strategies to use so that they avoid reaching red and having an outburst.
The calming strategy might include moving to a different space or removing the trigger (such as loud noise, bright lights, over stimulating activities) so that the child will move from an orange back to green.
Behavioural boundaries
These are often the most difficult boundaries to teach and implement. Here we need to set up expectations for both the behaviour we want as well as the consequences of the behaviour not taking place. For example, these could be rules about what time we need to go to sleep, or how much time we allow our children to spend on a device.
It is important that the child understands what is appropriate and what is not. For some children, this is very difficult, so I encourage you to use concrete examples that have occurred previously.
It is also crucial that you clearly explain the consequences beforehand so there is predictability. When our child has had an outburst for example, they are emotional and will not be able to see things objectively or rationalise.
As mentioned earlier, this is often really challenging especially when we have in the past “given-in” to keep the peace. Your child will most likely push against you, but we need to focus on being consistent, so they know that no is always no.
You might want to create pictures or symbols to help a child who might need them, for example, an image of someone shouting with another picture of a time out mat or chair.
You would have a discussion with your child about actions and consequences when they are calm using the pictures.
However, I really encourage parents to try a more positive approach. Rather than focusing on the “don’t do this”, focus on positive reinforcement strategies with labelled praise. Praising a child when they do something that you want them is a better motivator than criticising the behaviour you don’t want.
Rather than saying “good job”, which is not specific and very generic, try: “I can see that you really tried hard not to shout at your brother. Well done for moving away when you started feeling angry”.
Be specific when praising your child as this shows that you are really seeing and listening to what they are doing or saying.
Benefits of boundaries
Having clear and consistent boundaries can help our children to:
- Develop self-discipline and self-control.
- Make informed choices and take responsibility for their actions (which is especially important when so many decisions around their health and care are made on their behalf).
- Move through and navigate the world around them with confidence (they learn to come up with better coping strategies when things are unpredictable).
- Build important life skills, including time management and decision-making.
